“I’m wasted, losing time. I’m a foolish, fragile spine. I want all that’s not mine, I want him, but we’re not right.” – smother, Daughter
To the most important man I ever loved, in my early twenties, I won’t say your name… you will know who you are. I just wanted to say thank you, thank you for loving me in a way I had never known before. Thank you for helping me heal, grow, and dream big. You were my biggest supporter and I appreciate that, even now.
Nothing prepared me for your arrival, you came out of nowhere and as much as I fought against it, it was destined to happen. You lit my world on fire and awakened my soul. I become more me being with you. I don’t regret a single day spent with you, they were some of the best days I had in my early twenties.
People like you are rare gems, beautiful inside and out. We fit like a glove and you were my best friend, I know that if we had been meant to be and made a life-long commitment to love one another, I would never ever know what lonely felt like. I admire your kindness and gentle soul. I admire your generosity and will to keep going. You never accepted defeat or failure, it’s truly inspiring. You always wore a smile and I swear you never knew a stranger.
It seems a bit random to be writing this about you here and now, but not as random when you know the facts. For the first time in two years, I was passing through your small town and saw all of the places we went, our neighborhood. It was weird and oddly nostalgic. I missed you for a split second, but then immediately felt happy. I know that our time together had an expiration date.
I have grown so much in these two years apart from you, and I am honestly so damn proud. I know you would be too. You always believed that I would be better than I was when I first met you. I appreciate the patience you showed while you waited for me to figure out who the hell I wanted to be. I still have not fully arrived, but I am well on my way. I’d like to think you helped me to get closer to that. I needed to be without you because as much as you helped me you were also my crutch. You would have loved me regardless. I have loved every experience since you, and I have taken a path that I am truly happy with.
I have learned and loved myself something fierce, it’s been a humbling and beautiful experience. When I left you, I was broken, and I can’t even begin to explain to you how terrible I feel for that. Something extremely traumatic happened to me in April of 2013, something that I still struggle with, but it’s getting better day by day. Being with you felt so wrong after that, and I couldn’t continue to be unfair to you.
Just know that this life that I’m living now wouldn’t have been possible without you. I have learned to embrace the sweet side of things and be comfortable in my feels. I’ve grown.
My only regret, I have to admit, is that I wasn’t a more tender lover to you. I didn’t hug you enough, I should have held you more and took every chance to cuddle when you offered. I need you to know that I wanted to, but it was so hard for me. I fought myself daily. I loved you so much and never knew how to let you know. When you came into my life I was broken, not yet on the mend and I never believed that I deserved the love that you were offering to me. I’d like to think that I have learned from my mistakes and I make a point to be tender and in my feels from time to time.
You deserved that and I robbed you of it, I will forever regret that, but hopefully one day you stumble upon this floating out in the world and you smile and find comfort and closure. I know it has helped me to write this down. I cared probably more than I could ever convey to you. You were warm and safe and comfortable. I rest easy knowing that I will find that again. I know that you will make a special gal extremely happy one day.
I hope that I was able to teach you and touch your life in a small way. Neither of us are perfect, but I am thankful that you were there to love me when I wasn’t even sure I loved myself or deserving of a love like that. Thank you for getting me through one of the hardest and darkest times of my adult life. Thank you for always cheering for me and being on my side. Thank you for thinking I hung the moon. Before you, I never knew a love that strong and I certainly never imagined I would find someone that got me, truly understood my awkwardness and loved me despite my quirks. My soul was so lucky to have loved a soul like yours.
I think of you and smile, and that’s how I will forever remember you. I wish that we could be friends because you are just so much fun to be around, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I miss your presence in my life.I am better for having known you and forever changed having been able to love you. Cheers, old lover.
-ky
Ky's Werld 