This last year

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YA’LL; HOLY EFFFINNNG WOW;YA’LL.

This has been the most beautiful wonderful, awesome year of my life… NO FUCKING JOKE.

So I have taken a break, my last post being January 2018… I am ashamed, but, also, I am not. #sorrynotsorry… people are still staying that right? Anyhow, work has kept me pretty busy this last year. I landed my dream job and have been makin’ that moneeeeey, gurrrrrl. It has been incredibly rewarding and equally frustrating. But it has been the most fun I have ever had. I have watched as I told myself ” you can’t” but then fucking CRUSHED it. Now, I am not perfect, not even close, but being able to do things that I never thought possible has been one of the greatest experiences I have had.

I have traveled, met millions of wonderful people and have built a great resume for myself – I WILL need that in the near future. On top of landing my dream job I also found the man of my dreams and we JUST got married. CAN YOU FREAKING BELIEVE IT??? I mean if we look back at some of those older posts…. My heart has never been happier. And I often wake up asking myself if this is REAL.

I truly feel like the luckiest woman on the face of the planet. What more could anyone ask for? I have learned, this last year, that even though you are happier than you have ever been in your life you still experience those “wtf am i doing” moments and that’s all jut apart of the process of LIVING. I have wanted to throw in the towel and walk away, but I am damn proud that I stood tall and got through the tough stuff. I firmly believe that is what makes everything worth it. When you look back after a rough period to see yourself still standing and HAPPY… what a freaking reward, sister. Now THAT is success and I hope that you celebrate yourself.

I am going to make myself do a blog post a day, to share this new and wonderful journey, even the bad days. Because it’s important to know that even in one of the most beautiful, wonderful times in your life, you are still human and you will have TOUGH days. I am so excited to have ya’ll here for this ride and I do hope that ya’ll will comment,like, share, email or connect in anyway you feel comfortable. I want to know what you celebrate and I want to hear all of the wonderful things that are happening in your lives. So, don’t be a stranger 🙂

With love, ky

My promise

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“If we were meant to be, we would have been by now. Go ahead and watch my heart burn with the fire that you started in me.”

 

Just when you finally feel like you’ve mastered how to ride that bike, a car door opens and knocks your ass right back down. It came out of nowhere and ruined your sense of self, for a split second, or for months. No right or wrong here.

As this is supposed to be an open letter to myself, that I have neglected to write, I will move forward with its purpose momentarily (start date of this entry, August 17th, 2017) It’s now January 18th. And while I’m displeased with the length that has been sitting in my queue, I think it turned out to be the right move. Carrying on:

Since August, I have made an abundance of change, traveled to a handful of new/old places and have done a shit ton of epic stuff. Since I have started this in the new year of 2018 let me give you a brief overview of the change that has happened in my world since August… But first, let me backtrack. I started to write this blog in the midst of a very unhappy time in my life when literally NOTHING was working in my favor. I was “stuck”… I was in a job I hated, that made me hate everything else in my life… and this made me feel like I needed something/someone to fill this void and bring joy, life, light, and smiles back into my world. RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT “fix” anything or bring you happiness that you don’t already have. I learned this, and deep down I already knew it, but I am but a girl with a dream.

Fast forward, I found BLISS in September when I was offered my dream job, working for the DOPEST company on earth. Hello AMAZON! I landed a sweet gig as an Executive Assistant for a really cool person within the company. And through this experience, I have found the happiness that had been suffocating inside of me, just waiting for me to sack the fuck up. Since then, I have lived my best life, without fear. I have traveled, road tripped, hiked, cut my hair and have truly fallen in love… WITH MY SELF. BOOM.

So my promise is to always love myself, to challenge myself, to be wild and free and to NEVER ever settle for less than what I deserve and DESIRE. In this short time, I have blossomed like you wouldn’t fuckin’ believe. It’s been the best (almost) 4 months of my entire life. I want endless exploration adventures with my gal pals, I want memories that last a lifetime, I want heartbreak, and a love so deep and true it feels unreal. I want LIFE. In all its glory…

Where there is no challenge there is no change… so take a chance on yourself, believe that you can be and do anything you set your mind to, and most importantly, have fun. Soak up every ounce of life that you can, because life begins when you stop living in fear. “Fear not for I am with you,”- I say this to myself EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. As long as you’ve made friends with yourself you will never be lonely. And I’ve learned that there is no gratitude in rushing life, there’s no prize for “almost” making things work and happiness doesn’t reside in a stranger. You are the artist of your life, no one will paint the picture exactly to your liking because that’s merely their perception. The only way you will ever live the life that you truly want is if you just FUCKING do it.

I hope that you make promises to yourself, not resolutions (that I think put a ton of pressure on us as humans) make promises, promises to love yourself endlessly, fiercely and through all faults and mistakes. Promise to feed your soul the good stuff, promise to dance often and get a good nights rest. Promise to change and challenge. Promise to be a better version of you, every day. And promise to listen to what you want and then have the guts to actually go out there and do it.

Promise to wake up and live your best life.

 

 

With love,

Ky

Do it with grace

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I know that we all have a petty bone, and sometimes it seems easier or more fun to let that bad boy rip. What if we did things with grace instead? I think by handling situations, whatever they may be, with grace we can eliminate the folks that handle things in a petty manner. We could literally stop the ugly cycle.

Ask yourself a few questions before you bring out the claws. Fellas I’m talking about you too. They can be cattier than a woman.

The fact is this, friends: none of us are immune to ugly situations… no one is exempt and as I write this I realize that I never want to be. I think it could be a very numbing experience to never have unsavory experiences. They shape and mold you as you move through adulthood. So don’t hide from them, don’t laugh or shrug them off…

This past week had been a rough one, one of the roughest I have had in a while. I could have hidden, run, and been hell on wheels, for a lack of a better term, instead, I took the time to figure out what it is that bothered me so much. I took the time to feel the negative thoughts and feelings to grow and become better.

I guess my purpose for this is to let you know that if you are going through hell, do it with grace. If someone is undeserving of your love, your time, your friendship, or your business, bow down… with grace. Not everything is meant to last, but that doesn’t mean you get to piss it away or disregard the lesson. It molds you, every. single. choice. It molds you.

We do not better ourselves by bringing others down, we become better when we take people for who they are, not who we think they should be. Acceptance is non-existent, sadly. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. So, accept people, reject people, and love people… with grace.

 

 

xoxo-Ky

grace

I hear you

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As I was on the flight back to Denver from being home for one of the most wonderful weeks with my beloved family, I was reading this book, note to self, and it sparked so many ideas and I took to writing in notes on my phone. I wanted to just share my raw writing with you all.

By now you know that I am not fearful when it comes to sharing my thoughts or my feelings. I hope to someday put all of these thoughts and crazy ideas in a book for you all to enjoy… or maybe just for myself. So here we go!

A memoir; Reminiscence: the years of struggle, how you push through, overcome and kick ass on the daily even when you don’t feel like you are going anywhere.

When you stop and look around notice how things have changed, how you have changed. Know that I hear you, I have always heard you. you have had so many years of internal struggles, when you barely felt like a person, a live, breathing, feeling person. the world seemed to move around you… like you were a ghost watching it turn.

I heard you in your time of need when you hit the lowest point of your life at the tender age of 16…when you overdosed because you felt worthless. You felt like no one would care if you even existed in this world. Because for the last few years it had not been kind to you, you tried.. and I heard you. When your mind was quiet you heard a small voice that said “don’t do it… think if him. He needs you, and think of how you need him.”

Scared, I called my then boyfriend who comes over, sticks his hand down my throat and induced a vomit fest for the next few hours. His eyes were on me for the next few days, rightfully so. As a sweet child, I felt like I had nothing to live for. Depression is so real, my friends. To this day I am not even sure what all I took, but I took gobs and gobs of whatever I could find in my house… I’ll say this, the next few days were hell.

I remember feeling ashamed that I had even attempted such acts of self-hate, but in that moment I imagine that it seemed better than going through life feeling as worthless as I did. I hated my self and my life and often wondered “why me?” I felt like a curse,  cloud of darkness that turns everyone bad. At 16 you don’t think straight and your sense of reality is skewed, as you are still a child. (end of the journal entry.)

I don’t want to just leave it at that, but I will say that I value that life experience more and more the older I get. I truly have learned to love and appreciate myself and who I am today, even with my dark past. Judge if you’d like, its easy for those that never stood where I stood. I ask not for sympathy, but for understanding. Share love, be light in someone’s day you honestly never know if people are struggling internally.

I can say that having my brother in my life is the only thing that saved me, he would have been devastated and I couldn’t bare to cause him more hurt. He needed me, and the good Lord knows that I needed him. Hold on, even when you think you can’t. Life changes so rapidly and if you hold your head up and push forward knowing you want a better life, but also seek it actively… you will get there. Hear yourself, love yourself and hold on.

 

Until next time, friends.

 

-ky

 

Bloodstain

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And I’m bleeding
But I’m alright with it
Darling, I’m alright with it
I’m bleeding out
But I’m alright with it
Darling, I’m alright with it
It’s just a bloodstain

Sometimes we get this feeling; nothing is going wrong, but it doesn’t feel right. We ignore this feeling, but why? I listen to my gut almost always and when I ignore it, I’m reminded why I felt this way…. things don’t end well.

I think that we are made to feel like we might be crazy if we can’t explain reasons for feeling the way we do….. but could it be because our bodies know before us and try to protect us from whatever event is about to happen?

Why don’t we trust ourselves? This is highly alarming, in my eyes. Sure, we don’t want to make mountains out of molehills, but when you feel something in your gut, well that seems pretty fucking important. We stay in relationships too long, friendships or romantic relationships. We stay at jobs for far longer than we wanted to, and we almost always feel regret. So basically we are all insane, by definition. Right?

We need to focus more on ourselves, listening to our guts and following our heart. We need to stop depriving ourselves of awesome adventures, love, friendships a life of awesomeness. Now I know you are probably thinking, ky… it’s not that easy, but what if it were? Are we creating more, by doing less? Bigger heartbreaks, more stress, and less confidence in ourselves to be great every day?

Maybe you don’t feel that way, but if you do, please don’t ignore your feelings. Do yourself a favor and try to get underneath that feeling, search for the reason you may feel this way. The only way to living a truly authentic life that we are proud of is by living and being TRUE to one’s self. Stop wasting your days and nights, because life is short, my friend. We never get that time back and before we know it, our life has passed us by.

We bleed, but scars heal, and though it may be the more painful route, it’s a more fulfilled one. We are scared, scared to do things differently, scared to not be “normal” scared to take a chance because we lack belief in ourselves to be greater than we already are. Wanting more doesn’t make you greedy, it keep you young and healthy. It keeps you learning and moving and experiencing. That is not to say we should just walk away from everything the moment it gets hard, no, we should stick it out for a second, assess the situation and make a decision. A decision we know we can live through, but even if its hard… have faith that you will come out on top.

We only get one life, we need to learn to be a little more selfish with our time, our wants, our goals, our needs… we need to not be ashamed to say I don’t know where I am going, but I know where I want to be… and then get there.

I’m terrified that I will be single the rest of my life, and friends and family find that to be silly, but it’s one of my greatest fears as an adult because I want so badly to fall in love with my best friend and create a family together. So I’ve kissed a million frogs and walked away from a few proposals, and I used to think I messed up because dating is REAL hard…. but when I think back to all of those frogs I knew that none of them was my prince. Sometimes it’s hard, but I believe in myself and I know my person is out there.

So whatever your fear is, stare it in the eyes and challenge it… you can do and be whatever you want, never let fear hold you back. .Have faith in yourself to succeed no matter what, and you know what.. you WILL.

 

Thanks for reading my random thoughts!

 

xoxo, Ky

 

 

 

When I loved you least

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Self-hate; it happens at a young age and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. Before I knew what society expected of women, or what boys liked or what made me feel pretty, I was teased by other kids… and sure, you’re sitting here reading these words and saying something like “everyone was teased as a child”  Sure, but why? Does this teach us that no matter how old we get, we will be hazed for our looks, the way we dress, how we talk etc…

I remember the first “nickname” I ever got in school, kankles… I had never been aware that your ankles had to be a certain size to be considered “cute little ankles” I never thought to look at my body and size it up, self-doubt or even HATE it. It stuck with me, subconsciously, in a lot of ways. It wasn’t until I hit middle school where I decided that I had hideous legs and I never wanted to show them, I never wore shorts and was always terrified that someone would notice how large my ankles were. I felt like a freak and often questioned why they were so much “bigger” than other girls. I look back at that and think how ridiculous of me… but it was because I had heard it more than once, and I tried to laugh it off, but it hurt me… As I aged, I only became more self-aware… and I stopped doing things like smiling so much, because someone mentioned that even tho’ I had a pretty smile, it would be better if my teeth were completely straight. I got gut punched over and over and over… I never felt good in my body because even if people didn’t realize it, they were judging me solely on my appearance.

I went through so many stages with my body as a teen, sadly none of those stages were ever self-love… I was conditioned at a young age to pick apart my body piece my piece and HATE it because it looked different or it wasn’t the “ideal image” of perfection.  So I stopped eating a lot, and I stopped smiling, looking at myself in the mirror and I started to fill my head with negative thoughts about my body. It was a lonely place to be, really. No one talked about this stuff when I was a kid, and I dare not mention it to my parents because they would, of course, make me feel silly for feeling this way… Which I also believe to be an issue. I remember graduating high school at a whopping 95 lbs, granted I am short, so it doesn’t seem too bad at the age of 18 and sitting at 5’2… but it wasn’t a good 95 lbs. It was an “I hate myself, I’m not good enough” 95 lbs.

I carried that hatred with me for YEARS, and it was so harmful, it made me fear the world. It made me fear showing people my true colors and I became socially awkward and timid. I was alone because that was the only time I truly felt comfortable. It makes me sick to think that at one point, the woman who now loves herself something FIERCE, couldn’t even stand to look at herself in the mirror.

The path to recovery started about 4 years ago when I stopped looking to others to validate me. I started eating better, going to the gym and paying attention to how I felt. By exercising, fueling my body with healthful foods and paying attention to how I felt, something amazing happened. I saw myself, for the first time in YEARS… or maybe for the first time EVER. I no longer saw myself as the girl with the pretty, but crooked smile, or kankles. I saw me, Kylie Ray, a girl with a unique outlook on life and love… a girl full of love, life, creativity, and awesomeness… I had finally grazed self-love, and I had never felt better… Now, with that said, I, of course, had setbacks and talked down to myself, I was still new to this whole self-love thing.

Fast forward, I am 28 years young I think I am the bee’s knees, and wouldn’t dare dream of hating myself. I am a strong, fierce, educated, go-getting, hard working, selfish, giving, caring, fearless, kind, and stubborn young woman. I am full of ambition and zest for life, and sure I get ridiculed by “small” people, but I realized that I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea… and guess what. I love myself anyway. I own myself, each and every day, even the parts that I need to work on because that is what true self-love means…. Loving yourself in all of your phases, stages, and pieces. I am and will forever be a work in progress because I believe there is always room for improvement. The only difference is that now I do it for my DAMN self.

Self-hate is a process that we alllll go through, and maybe is a tad necessary, but it’s not a stage we “grow out of” it’s a hole we must climb our way out of. So, if you are sitting there thinking about all fo the things that are “Wrong with you” I encourage you to stop that right now, you are a beautiful, wonderfully made human being and there is not a damn thing wrong with you. You are capable of anything and everything. So get cracking friend… go out there and show the world how awesome you are, grace people with your presence and stop hiding. Let’s stop the self-hate, by uplifting others, encouraging them and never passing judgment. Your idea of beauty belongs to you and only you… remember that.

 

 

Love thy-self

 

 

-ky

Jump In

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Recently I wake up feeling unfulfilled like I am meant for bigger and better things like I have outgrown my current life and need to shed the “old skin”. Letting go can be so scary, but what if not letting go is scarier than that. What if you wake up one day 80 years old still feeling like you missed something like you let yourself down by not chasing the unknown.

I don’t know where I will end up, but I know that I am not meant for the life I am living. I feel happiest when I am training and helping others, posting inspiring things out on Instagram… pushing myself daily and learning new things. Learning new ways to challenge myself and others, if they should ask to be “tortured” by the moi! I am happy teaching and growing.

It’s not about fame or fortune, for me, it’s about freedom. The freedom to roam the earth doing things that make my cells dance. The freedom to take 7 trips home every year if I feel like it, take a month long vacation because I need to get away. I want to wake up and live life on my terms. As I sit here and write out these words I feel the excitement growing… my passion for these things is what fuels the fire.

With that said, I am happy to announce that a good friend and I are embarking on an adventure of our own. We have been working diligently the last few weeks to put this whole thing in motion, and I am fortunate enough to have a partner to share the glory with. A like minded individual that can help take this to new heights. it’s FUCKING awesome. I feel like my life makes sense when I am figuring things out when I am creating and pushing through the fear. “HOLY SHIT… this is really happening.” ( my morning thoughts)

So, set fear aside and ask yourself if you could be doing anything in the world right now, would you be doing what you are doing now? Does it make you happy, does it fulfill you or does it just pay the bills? I don’t want to be a prisoner of this life and you shouldn’t want that either.

I think the issues is that as children we are told we can be whatever we want to be, but then made to believe that the only way we will be truly successful is if we become doctors, lawyers, and bankers… You can be ANYTHING you want to be, so dream big and don’t ever stop. Find what fuels your fire and if that’s becoming a Doctor, lawyer, banker writer, etc. Don’t you dare be afraid to make it there.

You are never too old to live the life you have always dreamt of, but don’t expect it to be easy… and if you only half-ass want and work for it, you are only going to be half-ass successful.  So don’t half- ass a ton of things, whole- ass ONE thing.

Have faith and believe in yourself, wake up every day and remind yourself that you are meant for bigger and better things, you have so much to offer the world, today and all of the tomorrows. Wake up, kick ass and repeat.

 

If I have learned anything in my 28 years on this earth, it’s that good things don’t just happen, people rarely ever just get “lucky” and nothing will ever change if you refuse to put yourself out there. Take a chance on you, because if you don’t how can you expect anyone else to? AM I RIGHT???

 

Have no fear, just jump in!

 

-ky

ENOUGH

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I am on the edge of my seat waiting for my work week to come to a halt. I have never been more impatient in my life, or so it feels.Sometimes you just have those weeks, where literally everything is happening all at once, and you don’t know how to handle it. My first instinct is to tell people to FUCK OFF…. Alas, I am too nice and I can never gather those words… and let’s be real ifI could, I’d spend the rest of the weekend feeling guilty… Must be that catholic upbringing ha ha. Seriously tho’ do you ever have one of those weeks where all you want to do is disappear, speak and see no one, and maybe spend the entire weekend naked in the mountains with a cool breeze and a nice fire at night?

I shouldn’t even be complaining, yet here I am taking to a social media outlet and acting like it’s my therapist… but that’s sort of the point, right? This is my journal… but I let all of you read it as well… how nice of me. 🙂

Every day I wake up with the hope that it will be a good day and I whisper words of encouragement to myself in order to solidify the good vibes, but I have come to realize that even of you do that, it’s okay if you don’t end up having that kind of day, negative feelings need to be felt and dealt with also. One negative thought won’t ruin your good vibe attitude or reputation. So let it rain, sista or mista!

 

The truth is, we will all have days or weeks where ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and people need to take shelter because the wrath of (please insert name here) is about to rain down. I’m a lioness so hear me ROAR. A rumble in the jungle… or whatever funky thing you like to call your bad days and weeks. This week, I blame it on hormones. Ladies aren’t those the fucking BEST?

 

 

So right here and now I am saying enough feeling down, enough being angry… let that isssh go, my friend. Feel it, experience, accept it and then set that shit free. It doesn’t make you a shitty person, or a negative nancy unless you allow it to consume every day of the year… and then… well you may want to seek help.

 

Have happy, safe and beautiful weekends my friends. Thanks for allowing me to rant for a second. I already feel better!

 

-ky

It’s not your fault if you’re fucked up

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Today, I heard the words “it’s not your fault that you are fucked up, but it is your fault if you stay fucked up.” And holy hell, that hit me like a ton of bricks, because that is soooo true. We go through life blaming our childhoods and sometimes parents for the fact that we are sooooo fucked… Why have we not asked ourselves at what point it becomes our fault? We are stunting our growth by not realizing that we have the power to change, blaming others and wasting our precious time.  If we are adults and we are still fucked up, that’s all on us. LITERALLY ALL ON US. You reach a point in your life where you are responsible for yourself, your happiness and how your life turns out. You can either sack up, look yourself in the eyes and own your shit or continue to suck. The choice is yours… what are you gonna do???

You have the power to be, and do whatever the heck you want to. You just have to open yourself up to it. We sit around and have so many negative thoughts, and we don’t understand that we are fucking ourselves into a deeper hole of fucked up fuckery. We never give anything a chance, we run from experience and risk. We have to learn why we are the way we are, dive deep and then decide how we wish to go about handling our baggage.

Nothing will ever change if all you ever do is complain about how much it sucks… nothing will ever change if you never decide to be a grown-up and deal with your life. Stop holding yourself back and more importantly stop holding others accountable for YOUR life not going the way you thought it would. You are the only one that has the power to make changes, and if you are lazy, your life will mirror that. You will never be completely fulfilled and will go on wasting your time blaming others.

 

If you want something, work for it. Experience and things don’t find you, you happen to them, by getting off your ass and WORKING for it. Experience and happiness will never walk up to your door, knock and say ” you are of age, let’s do this.” It’s a privilege to wake up every single day, it’s a privilege to live the life you have now, you just have to like it enough to want more… and there is nothing wrong with wanting more. Take a chance, take all of the risks and go out there and find whatever it is you are looking for, work hard and watch good things happen… Watch you un-fuck yourself little by little. YOU’VE GOT THIS.  Make shit happen, my friend… you are capable of anything so long as you allow yourself to want it and work for it. AND no one is to blame if you aren’t loving the life you live.

So ask yourself today, what small changes will I make today that will give me a better tomorrow… wake up every morning and ask yourself that exact question. You are what you think!

 

❤ Ky