Self-hate; it happens at a young age and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. Before I knew what society expected of women, or what boys liked or what made me feel pretty, I was teased by other kids… and sure, you’re sitting here reading these words and saying something like “everyone was teased as a child” Sure, but why? Does this teach us that no matter how old we get, we will be hazed for our looks, the way we dress, how we talk etc…
I remember the first “nickname” I ever got in school, kankles… I had never been aware that your ankles had to be a certain size to be considered “cute little ankles” I never thought to look at my body and size it up, self-doubt or even HATE it. It stuck with me, subconsciously, in a lot of ways. It wasn’t until I hit middle school where I decided that I had hideous legs and I never wanted to show them, I never wore shorts and was always terrified that someone would notice how large my ankles were. I felt like a freak and often questioned why they were so much “bigger” than other girls. I look back at that and think how ridiculous of me… but it was because I had heard it more than once, and I tried to laugh it off, but it hurt me… As I aged, I only became more self-aware… and I stopped doing things like smiling so much, because someone mentioned that even tho’ I had a pretty smile, it would be better if my teeth were completely straight. I got gut punched over and over and over… I never felt good in my body because even if people didn’t realize it, they were judging me solely on my appearance.
I went through so many stages with my body as a teen, sadly none of those stages were ever self-love… I was conditioned at a young age to pick apart my body piece my piece and HATE it because it looked different or it wasn’t the “ideal image” of perfection. So I stopped eating a lot, and I stopped smiling, looking at myself in the mirror and I started to fill my head with negative thoughts about my body. It was a lonely place to be, really. No one talked about this stuff when I was a kid, and I dare not mention it to my parents because they would, of course, make me feel silly for feeling this way… Which I also believe to be an issue. I remember graduating high school at a whopping 95 lbs, granted I am short, so it doesn’t seem too bad at the age of 18 and sitting at 5’2… but it wasn’t a good 95 lbs. It was an “I hate myself, I’m not good enough” 95 lbs.
I carried that hatred with me for YEARS, and it was so harmful, it made me fear the world. It made me fear showing people my true colors and I became socially awkward and timid. I was alone because that was the only time I truly felt comfortable. It makes me sick to think that at one point, the woman who now loves herself something FIERCE, couldn’t even stand to look at herself in the mirror.
The path to recovery started about 4 years ago when I stopped looking to others to validate me. I started eating better, going to the gym and paying attention to how I felt. By exercising, fueling my body with healthful foods and paying attention to how I felt, something amazing happened. I saw myself, for the first time in YEARS… or maybe for the first time EVER. I no longer saw myself as the girl with the pretty, but crooked smile, or kankles. I saw me, Kylie Ray, a girl with a unique outlook on life and love… a girl full of love, life, creativity, and awesomeness… I had finally grazed self-love, and I had never felt better… Now, with that said, I, of course, had setbacks and talked down to myself, I was still new to this whole self-love thing.
Fast forward, I am 28 years young I think I am the bee’s knees, and wouldn’t dare dream of hating myself. I am a strong, fierce, educated, go-getting, hard working, selfish, giving, caring, fearless, kind, and stubborn young woman. I am full of ambition and zest for life, and sure I get ridiculed by “small” people, but I realized that I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea… and guess what. I love myself anyway. I own myself, each and every day, even the parts that I need to work on because that is what true self-love means…. Loving yourself in all of your phases, stages, and pieces. I am and will forever be a work in progress because I believe there is always room for improvement. The only difference is that now I do it for my DAMN self.
Self-hate is a process that we alllll go through, and maybe is a tad necessary, but it’s not a stage we “grow out of” it’s a hole we must climb our way out of. So, if you are sitting there thinking about all fo the things that are “Wrong with you” I encourage you to stop that right now, you are a beautiful, wonderfully made human being and there is not a damn thing wrong with you. You are capable of anything and everything. So get cracking friend… go out there and show the world how awesome you are, grace people with your presence and stop hiding. Let’s stop the self-hate, by uplifting others, encouraging them and never passing judgment. Your idea of beauty belongs to you and only you… remember that.
Love thy-self
-ky
Ky's Werld 