As I was on the flight back to Denver from being home for one of the most wonderful weeks with my beloved family, I was reading this book, note to self, and it sparked so many ideas and I took to writing in notes on my phone. I wanted to just share my raw writing with you all.
By now you know that I am not fearful when it comes to sharing my thoughts or my feelings. I hope to someday put all of these thoughts and crazy ideas in a book for you all to enjoy… or maybe just for myself. So here we go!
A memoir; Reminiscence: the years of struggle, how you push through, overcome and kick ass on the daily even when you don’t feel like you are going anywhere.
When you stop and look around notice how things have changed, how you have changed. Know that I hear you, I have always heard you. you have had so many years of internal struggles, when you barely felt like a person, a live, breathing, feeling person. the world seemed to move around you… like you were a ghost watching it turn.
I heard you in your time of need when you hit the lowest point of your life at the tender age of 16…when you overdosed because you felt worthless. You felt like no one would care if you even existed in this world. Because for the last few years it had not been kind to you, you tried.. and I heard you. When your mind was quiet you heard a small voice that said “don’t do it… think if him. He needs you, and think of how you need him.”
Scared, I called my then boyfriend who comes over, sticks his hand down my throat and induced a vomit fest for the next few hours. His eyes were on me for the next few days, rightfully so. As a sweet child, I felt like I had nothing to live for. Depression is so real, my friends. To this day I am not even sure what all I took, but I took gobs and gobs of whatever I could find in my house… I’ll say this, the next few days were hell.
I remember feeling ashamed that I had even attempted such acts of self-hate, but in that moment I imagine that it seemed better than going through life feeling as worthless as I did. I hated my self and my life and often wondered “why me?” I felt like a curse, cloud of darkness that turns everyone bad. At 16 you don’t think straight and your sense of reality is skewed, as you are still a child. (end of the journal entry.)
I don’t want to just leave it at that, but I will say that I value that life experience more and more the older I get. I truly have learned to love and appreciate myself and who I am today, even with my dark past. Judge if you’d like, its easy for those that never stood where I stood. I ask not for sympathy, but for understanding. Share love, be light in someone’s day you honestly never know if people are struggling internally.
I can say that having my brother in my life is the only thing that saved me, he would have been devastated and I couldn’t bare to cause him more hurt. He needed me, and the good Lord knows that I needed him. Hold on, even when you think you can’t. Life changes so rapidly and if you hold your head up and push forward knowing you want a better life, but also seek it actively… you will get there. Hear yourself, love yourself and hold on.
Until next time, friends.
-ky
Ky's Werld 