HomesweetSnow

All of my pieces

March 31, 2017Leave a Comment

Wait for the person that gets you, not just the person who thinks you’re pretty cute. It has to be much deeper than that. I don’t want someone that has superficial tendencies and dates me to find status or to be the envy of all his friends.

I long for a soul that treats me like a person and is interested in befriending me. The base of every good relationship starts with building a solid friendship foundation. In my humble opinion.Take that for what it’s worth, but I think it’s pretty damn accurate.

I say that because I look at the sort of relationship that my parents have, it’s one where they genuinely enjoy one another… they have things in common, but they also do their own thing. They have BALANCE. It has been my goal in life to find someone I can connect with like that. Someone that loves me for all of my pieces, not just bits.

Be patient and wait for someone who treats you right, wait for someone who looks inside of you not just at you… find friendship and then love ❤

-ky

I’ll be the Ghost in your smile

February 13, 2017April 5, 2017Leave a Comment

You got some of the best parts of me, but not all of me. you didn’t stay long enough to suck me dry; thankfully I wasn’t too willing to let myself go, for I didn’t always trust you.

I saw you today, I thought it would be dreadful, but the moment my eyes met yours I felt nothing. That felt good, to know that no part of me feels weak when you’re present. I saw your heart drop when I walked through the door; you weren’t expecting me. That stupid sly smile you do that used to work, no longer had any power over me.

The problem with you is that you are a lost boy, you don’t know where you are going, what you are doing or even what you want. You’re so afraid to fail at anything, and you’re so god damned arrogant. The world and experiences will humble you, hopefully. And if you refuse to fail at anything, you’ve already lost. Mistakes and failures are what make us better.

Perfection doesn’t exist and you spend your life trying to create it, what a waste. I’m imperfect, I’m quiet but loud, I’m sassy, I speak my mind, I’m bullheaded and independent. I am not good with emotions, I don’t to share too much, I’m bold and brave and strong and loving. I enjoy all of these things about myself, I am not a trophy, and you say I’m too much. The only explanation is that you’re too little of a man to appreciate me.

-ky ❤

You’re kind of a bitch

February 6, 2017Leave a Comment

Monday started off well for me, even with the lack of sleep. I found myself chipper and ready to conquer the week. I headed up to the 12th floor to chat with a friend and somehow we landed on the subject of my love life, or lack thereof. I was not prepared for what happened next. My friend says to me ” I’m gonna be a slight asshole for a second here, you’re kind of a bitch, you lift, you’re gorgeous and you are intimidating to men. That makes the dating pool a lot smaller for you because they’re aren’t many guys that can handle/really want that.” I was shocked, ya’ll. Pretty sure I had to pick my jaw up off the ground. I don’t think she meant to be mean, but I’ve never ever been told that I’m a bitch so it hurt. I wouldn’t classify myself as such, but I guess no one ever really does, right?

It got to me and ruined my mood for sure. I let it, but fuck that was really discouraging to hear. Like one minute I feel like I am too nice to people and then the next someone is telling me that I am full of faults and that even tho’ I am a nice girl this is probably why no one wants to date me. Thanks for the vote of confidence there, now I feel absolutely horrible and questioning if I am actually a bitch.

Don’t let the bastards get you down, don’t let the bastards get you down… on repeat in my head. I have learned, even though it was hard to hear that, that I can’t and will not apologize for who I am, my sass, my style, my ability to lift heavy things and put them back down, those are what I like to call passions. I am passionate and strive for greatness. My greatness, not anyone else’s idea of it. I will not put up with your bullshit and if that is intimidating to you, move on. If posting photos on Instagram is annoying and a turn-off, don’t fucking follow me. My business is to help and empower women, so yeah I am going to post a photo of me at the gym, with a message attached that I know helps people.

I’m not an idiot, I realize I am not for everyone and I realize that a lot of people are totally okay with people treating them like shit, everyone is so afraid to speak their minds. NOT MY CHAIR NOT MY PROBLEM. If believing in myself, taking care of my body and being able to speak my mind is intimidating to you, then I am not for you BRO.

I’ve spent the majority of my life caring and giving to others and not taking care of myself, letting folks talk down to me and walking all over me. I am not about to let that become my life again. The thing is, I love who I am, I love that I can sass back, and I like being strong, mentally and physically. I am proud of my hard work, and when you are reaching for the stars you stop at nothing to get there. I don’t expect everyone to understand the journey or the reasoning behind what I do, it’s none of your business anyway.

I guess that no matter who you are, what you do, how good a person you are people will always find a reason to throw shade, stand strong little darling. In a moment a weakness I let this bother me, but I guess I get it, and I am letting it go. I know there are people that appreciate me and love me for everything that I am, good, bad and ugly. I am not a perfect person and I never will be; I don’t want that. I can’t always be nice, I’m not always happy, I curse too much, I’m moody, I’m sensitive, I am hard headed and stubborn. I can’t and refuse to be invisible and I absolutely don’t want to waste any of my fucks on things of this nature. So starting today, I’m letting that shit roll off my back. I know who I am and I’m okay with it, I can’t waste time trying to please people that don’t even care in the first place. Quality over quantity people. Self-love is an ongoing and uphill battle, but it’s one I will never back down from. I love myself today, I will love myself tomorrow and all of the days after that. I will do my very best to not let anyone dull my sunshine.

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-ky

Dear old lover

February 6, 2017February 6, 2017Leave a Comment

“I’m wasted, losing time. I’m a foolish, fragile spine. I want all that’s not mine, I want him, but we’re not right.” – smother, Daughter

To the most important man I ever loved, in my early twenties, I won’t say your name… you will know who you are. I just wanted to say thank you, thank you for loving me in a way I had never known before. Thank you for helping me heal, grow, and dream big. You were my biggest supporter and I appreciate that, even now.

Nothing prepared me for your arrival, you came out of nowhere and as much as I fought against it, it was destined to happen. You lit my world on fire and awakened my soul. I become more me being with you. I don’t regret a single day spent with you, they were some of the best days I had in my early twenties.

People like you are rare gems, beautiful inside and out. We fit like a glove and you were my best friend, I know that if we had been meant to be and made a life-long commitment to love one another, I would never ever know what lonely felt like. I admire your kindness and gentle soul. I admire your generosity and will to keep going. You never accepted defeat or failure, it’s truly inspiring. You always wore a smile and I swear you never knew a stranger.

It seems a bit random to be writing this about you here and now, but not as random when you know the facts. For the first time in two years, I was passing through your small town and saw all of the places we went, our neighborhood. It was weird and oddly nostalgic. I missed you for a split second, but then immediately felt happy. I know that our time together had an expiration date.

I have grown so much in these two years apart from you, and I am honestly so damn proud. I know you would be too. You always believed that I would be better than I was when I first met you. I appreciate the patience you showed while you waited for me to figure out who the hell I wanted to be. I still have not fully arrived, but I am well on my way. I’d like to think you helped me to get closer to that. I needed to be without you because as much as you helped me you were also my crutch. You would have loved me regardless. I have loved every experience since you, and I have taken a path that I am truly happy with.

I have learned and loved myself something fierce, it’s been a humbling and beautiful experience. When I left you, I was broken, and I can’t even begin to explain to you how terrible I feel for that. Something extremely traumatic happened to me in April of 2013, something that I still struggle with, but it’s getting better day by day. Being with you felt so wrong after that, and I couldn’t continue to be unfair to you.

Just know that this life that I’m living now wouldn’t have been possible without you. I have learned to embrace the sweet side of things and be comfortable in my feels. I’ve grown.

My only regret, I have to admit, is that I wasn’t a more tender lover to you. I didn’t hug you enough, I should have held you more and took every chance to cuddle when you offered. I need you to know that I wanted to, but it was so hard for me. I fought myself daily. I loved you so much and never knew how to let you know. When you came into my life I was broken, not yet on the mend and I never believed that I deserved the love that you were offering to me. I’d like to think that I have learned from my mistakes and I make a point to be tender and in my feels from time to time.

You deserved that and I robbed you of it, I will forever regret that, but hopefully one day you stumble upon this floating out in the world and you smile and find comfort and closure. I know it has helped me to write this down. I cared probably more than I could ever convey to you. You were warm and safe and comfortable. I rest easy knowing that I will find that again. I know that you will make a special gal extremely happy one day.

I hope that I was able to teach you and touch your life in a small way. Neither of us are perfect, but I am thankful that you were there to love me when I wasn’t even sure I loved myself or deserving of a love like that. Thank you for getting me through one of the hardest and darkest times of my adult life. Thank you for always cheering for me and being on my side. Thank you for thinking I hung the moon. Before you, I never knew a love that strong and I certainly never imagined I would find someone that got me, truly understood my awkwardness and loved me despite my quirks. My soul was so lucky to have loved a soul like yours.

I think of you and smile, and that’s how I will forever remember you. I wish that we could be friends because you are just so much fun to be around, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I miss your presence in my life.I am better for having known you and forever changed having been able to love you. Cheers, old lover.

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-ky

Keep Me wild

February 6, 2017February 6, 2017Leave a Comment

“I do not want my idea of you, that is too easy and it is not real. I want you, faults and all, and I want you to want me, faults and all. Not any ideas you have about love.” – Waylon Lewis

My brain is always going going going, I can’t seem to ever shut it off. As I sit in my chair at work listening to my music, (“say you’re gonna miss me” by Wistful), I realized that relationships don’t work out for me because the person who pursues me tries to tame me.When threatened with a life in a “cage” I run or get weird. I start to feel suffocated and lost.

I am not ashamed to admit that, who wants to be caged like a zoo animal? I think if you are going to love me or even be my friend you shouldn’t feel the need to tame or change me. That should be a rule that everyone lives by. It’s mind boggling that we try and “mold” our lovers and friends. I like my lovers wild and my friends real. It’s not a true match if you feel you must change them, now is it?

I am sure there are studies out there, or there should be, on relationships. untamed ones, lovers lack the desire to change their partners and then ones where partners are over there creating clay pottery partners… Love isn’t perfect, anyone that thinks it is, is insane. That’s half the fun, learning and GROWING with another person. There are people that you see together or know as a couple and they just make so much sense together. I want that for myself. I don’t want the kind of love that is like trying to shove a triangle into a square. it’s exhausting and a complete waste of time, its never going to fit guys… let that shit go. Stop the suffering already 🙂 I get it, most people see dating as a hassle and don’t ant to be a part of it. We all understand, trust me. Dating is hard because people suck. But let’s talk about this for a second… you’d rather spend a lifetime with someone that doesn’t truly get you or make you happy than be single for a little longer and find the one that sets your soul on fire? Not me, give me single all day long. I don’t want to sacrifice myself for that, that is not love.

Unfortunately, we all have been mind fucked by society so we build these dumb timelines that we want to follow religiously. “I have to have a kid by this time or it’s just not in the cards for me, I need a husband, I’m 25… all of my friends are married…” the list goes on. Stop falling into that trap, it’s just not true guys. With the exception of babies, you have until you’re dead. And when you’re dead you’re not thinking about life partners and babies. What I am trying to say is that it will happen when it’s meant to happen. This is something that I still struggle with and probably will until some poor bastard is courageous enough to lock this down.

Being human means that we feel, we struggle, we laugh, we cry, we yell, we are happy and sad and confused and a little cynical or too trusting… and unless you ae a robot you are going to feel about half of these emotions on a daily basis. So try to remind yourself that things happen in their own time, and these thoughts and feels are just a part of the process. It’s normal, I promise. This too shall pass, chances of you being single for the rest of your life, if you are putting yourself out there, well that’s just silly. DOnt settle for the first dark that barks for your treat but rest assured that if you do, you will probably only make that mistake once. Wait for the dog that loves you unconditionally, thinks you are perfect just the way that you are because it’s out there. Have self-respect, have courage and god damn it, know what you want and do no waiver. You’ll regret it one day if you do.

-ky

You’ll miss me someday

February 3, 2017February 6, 2017Leave a Comment

“You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her. Because you don’t destroy the people, you love.”

I think the problem with our society today, and frankly, our mindset, is that we give too many fucks about all of the wrong things. We care if someone likes our hair, we care if someone likes the way we dress, talk, act, sing, dance, sleep, smell, the list is literally endless. Like what are we hoping for? The hard truth is; people fucking suck. So what we need to give fucks about is our self. How we feel, what we want, what makes us happy, and if we love ourselves.

If you are anything like me, you believe people are innately good. You take them at their word, and you give everything you have. I am not saying that is bad it’s just the hard way. And no, I don’t think we can help it. It is what it is, and we are who we are. We are more susceptible to heartbreak. One day, sweet soul you will find the one the appreciates you and all of your baggage. Because let’s be honest, we all have baggage.

I would rather be single, working on myself for myself, building an empire and loving me, than be in a strained relationship that is subpar. I want to fall in love, make babies and grow old with someone. That will never change, but I have come to realize that the more you push for these things the further you set yourself back. So I’ll be here loving life while the miserable fuck that tried to destroy me is out there living a lie with some poor girl that deserves better.

You would think that by now I would be some sad, cynical 28 year old, but I’m not. I take each experience in stride and build from that, it makes ME better. I learn more about MYSELF, and I am literally preparing myself for my future lover, the lover that deserves me. It used to really get under my skin when people treated me badly because it left me feeling like there was something wrong with me. I took a step back and said FUCK THAT, there is nothing wrong with me. My only fault is seeing the good in bad people, people with ugly hearts and ill intentions. If you’re reading this you miserable fuck, you’ll miss me someday. I was the best you’ll ever have and never deserved, but I’m better for that. So, thank you for trying your damnedest to break me. The best revenge is being able to move on and be happy, ignoring your snide remarks and your lame digs at my character. I’m sorry that you don’t love yourself enough, I’m sorry that you don’t know your worth, and I’m sorry that you have to hurt people to feel better about yourself.

There are many lessons to learn in life and love, and I have barely scratched the surface. This leaves me feeling hopeful, and I find comfort in knowing that I still have time. I think it’s admirable to be able to understand that one: things happen for a reason, and two: shitty people make you better, they teach you so many things. Most importantly, they show you what you DONT want. Chin up, my darling, you are going to be just fine. Let karma handle the dirty work and move forward, go be a badass, go find yourself keep your heart open and LOVE YOU. EVERY.DAMN.DAY. Silence wins, it’s not a weakness. Silence only kills the person trying to do harm, because they need you to stoop to their level and throw shade, but don’t you dare do it. Walk away with your pride, sanity, and sense of self.

Your person is out there, no need to rush. Take your time, date yourself and be kind in the process. You have so much to offer this world, things that don’t work out aren’t meant to be. So stop putting all of your energy into things that are already broken, broken beyond repair. Time is precious, spend it doing things worth while.

-Ky

Oh Hello!

January 30, 2017January 30, 2017Leave a Comment

“Life is hard and sharp, and it hurts, but there are some who wear it lightly, and mindfully and with class and are frank yet wise, yet light, and if our recipe is right our household shall be one of the hardy and cheerful ones. Life is often lonely and sad and unfair, but if we are lucky we shall work hard and earn our luck, and when we are hit broadside we shall return fire as we sail away with the little wind at our backs and trouble shall find it is bored with us.” – Waylon Lewis Things I would like to do with you

Oh hello, Ky here pleased to meet you! This is where you get to walk in the front door of my brain without knocking. I can’t promise that it will always be exciting, positive, or worth the read. I do, however, promise that it will always be real. So sit back, relax, and grab a drink… fuck, grab the whole bottle 🙂 I will without a doubt make a complete ass of myself, unapologetically. So, kick off your shoes, get in yo’ jammies and sit your ass on the couch.

I have toyed with the idea of writing an internet journal, book, doing youtube videos, newsletters, long random story time texts to people I have saved in my phone… the works. I have finally committed to this here website. I will take you through the first month of the year 2017. I swear if this shit didn’t happen to me, I’d swear it was all a lie.

For the full effect, please log on to your Spotify look for the glass animals and play “take a slice” if you are one that is able to read and jam to tunes at the same time. As I write this, that’s what is playing. I will promise to always include the jams listened to while recreating my life experiences for ya’ll.

Welcome to the site, enjoy the read, share it with your friends and write to me 🙂

-ky