authenticity – Ky's Werld

As I was on the flight back to Denver from being home for one of the most wonderful weeks with my beloved family, I was reading this book, note to self, and it sparked so many ideas and I took to writing in notes on my phone. I wanted to just share my raw writing with you all.

By now you know that I am not fearful when it comes to sharing my thoughts or my feelings. I hope to someday put all of these thoughts and crazy ideas in a book for you all to enjoy… or maybe just for myself. So here we go!

A memoir; Reminiscence: the years of struggle, how you push through, overcome and kick ass on the daily even when you don’t feel like you are going anywhere.

When you stop and look around notice how things have changed, how you have changed. Know that I hear you, I have always heard you. you have had so many years of internal struggles, when you barely felt like a person, a live, breathing, feeling person. the world seemed to move around you… like you were a ghost watching it turn.

I heard you in your time of need when you hit the lowest point of your life at the tender age of 16…when you overdosed because you felt worthless. You felt like no one would care if you even existed in this world. Because for the last few years it had not been kind to you, you tried.. and I heard you. When your mind was quiet you heard a small voice that said “don’t do it… think if him. He needs you, and think of how you need him.”

Scared, I called my then boyfriend who comes over, sticks his hand down my throat and induced a vomit fest for the next few hours. His eyes were on me for the next few days, rightfully so. As a sweet child, I felt like I had nothing to live for. Depression is so real, my friends. To this day I am not even sure what all I took, but I took gobs and gobs of whatever I could find in my house… I’ll say this, the next few days were hell.

I remember feeling ashamed that I had even attempted such acts of self-hate, but in that moment I imagine that it seemed better than going through life feeling as worthless as I did. I hated my self and my life and often wondered “why me?” I felt like a curse, cloud of darkness that turns everyone bad. At 16 you don’t think straight and your sense of reality is skewed, as you are still a child. (end of the journal entry.)

I don’t want to just leave it at that, but I will say that I value that life experience more and more the older I get. I truly have learned to love and appreciate myself and who I am today, even with my dark past. Judge if you’d like, its easy for those that never stood where I stood. I ask not for sympathy, but for understanding. Share love, be light in someone’s day you honestly never know if people are struggling internally.

I can say that having my brother in my life is the only thing that saved me, he would have been devastated and I couldn’t bare to cause him more hurt. He needed me, and the good Lord knows that I needed him. Hold on, even when you think you can’t. Life changes so rapidly and if you hold your head up and push forward knowing you want a better life, but also seek it actively… you will get there. Hear yourself, love yourself and hold on.

Until next time, friends.

-ky

And I’m bleeding
But I’m alright with it
Darling, I’m alright with it
I’m bleeding out
But I’m alright with it
Darling, I’m alright with it
It’s just a bloodstain

Sometimes we get this feeling; nothing is going wrong, but it doesn’t feel right. We ignore this feeling, but why? I listen to my gut almost always and when I ignore it, I’m reminded why I felt this way…. things don’t end well.

I think that we are made to feel like we might be crazy if we can’t explain reasons for feeling the way we do….. but could it be because our bodies know before us and try to protect us from whatever event is about to happen?

Why don’t we trust ourselves? This is highly alarming, in my eyes. Sure, we don’t want to make mountains out of molehills, but when you feel something in your gut, well that seems pretty fucking important. We stay in relationships too long, friendships or romantic relationships. We stay at jobs for far longer than we wanted to, and we almost always feel regret. So basically we are all insane, by definition. Right?

We need to focus more on ourselves, listening to our guts and following our heart. We need to stop depriving ourselves of awesome adventures, love, friendships a life of awesomeness. Now I know you are probably thinking, ky… it’s not that easy, but what if it were? Are we creating more, by doing less? Bigger heartbreaks, more stress, and less confidence in ourselves to be great every day?

Maybe you don’t feel that way, but if you do, please don’t ignore your feelings. Do yourself a favor and try to get underneath that feeling, search for the reason you may feel this way. The only way to living a truly authentic life that we are proud of is by living and being TRUE to one’s self. Stop wasting your days and nights, because life is short, my friend. We never get that time back and before we know it, our life has passed us by.

We bleed, but scars heal, and though it may be the more painful route, it’s a more fulfilled one. We are scared, scared to do things differently, scared to not be “normal” scared to take a chance because we lack belief in ourselves to be greater than we already are. Wanting more doesn’t make you greedy, it keep you young and healthy. It keeps you learning and moving and experiencing. That is not to say we should just walk away from everything the moment it gets hard, no, we should stick it out for a second, assess the situation and make a decision. A decision we know we can live through, but even if its hard… have faith that you will come out on top.

We only get one life, we need to learn to be a little more selfish with our time, our wants, our goals, our needs… we need to not be ashamed to say I don’t know where I am going, but I know where I want to be… and then get there.

I’m terrified that I will be single the rest of my life, and friends and family find that to be silly, but it’s one of my greatest fears as an adult because I want so badly to fall in love with my best friend and create a family together. So I’ve kissed a million frogs and walked away from a few proposals, and I used to think I messed up because dating is REAL hard…. but when I think back to all of those frogs I knew that none of them was my prince. Sometimes it’s hard, but I believe in myself and I know my person is out there.

So whatever your fear is, stare it in the eyes and challenge it… you can do and be whatever you want, never let fear hold you back. .Have faith in yourself to succeed no matter what, and you know what.. you WILL.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts!

xoxo, Ky

Tag: authenticity

I hear you

Bloodstain